


Dying to Live

by TheAuthorWhoWrote



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: 5 + 1, Angst, Ben x Rey - Freeform, F/M, Fluff, Force Bond, Grieving Rey, Happy Ending, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Redeemed Ben Solo, Spoilers, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Fix-It, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers, Tros fix-it, angst everywhere, fluff ending, kylo x rey - Freeform, sad rey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:14:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21952018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAuthorWhoWrote/pseuds/TheAuthorWhoWrote
Summary: Ben’s face.The sharp angles of it. The quirk of an eyebrow. The somewhat crooked smile and loving gaze.It starts from there.From the memories she tries not to think of. It grows slowly, creeping up on her until she comes to realise that she can't trust her own senses. Is it her own mind playing tricks on her?/OR/The five times Rey allows herself to hope Ben is there with her, and the one time Ben actually is.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 7
Kudos: 60





	1. Chapter 1

The first few days were the hardest. Sleep never came easily and if it did he’d always plague them. 

She’d always wake up with a jolt, face covered in a cold sweat as she’s trying hard to gain her composure. 

Sometimes tears would stain her cheeks and she wouldn’t be able to rest at all. Sometimes there wasn’t any rest to be had. 

Tonight was one of those cases. Rey’s body shudders as her mind flashes of him, _his_ face—

_Ben’s face_.

The sharp angles of it. The quirk of an eyebrow. The somewhat crooked smile and loving gaze.

It starts from there. 

From the memories she tries not to think of. It grows slowly, creeping up on her until she comes to realise that she can't trust her own senses. Is it her own mind playing tricks on her?

Rey wouldn't put it past herself for her mind to play this kind of cruel trick on her.


	2. Chapter 2

" _Rey_."

The word echoes around the chamber. Softly spoken. Barely a whisper. Adoration laced in pronunciation. And the cadence of it belongs to Ben.

_Ben_.

Rey’s eyes hastily scour the room, but the sound dies out, silence falling. And the man the voice belongs to isn't here. The hope that has sprung to life in Rey’s chest crumbles. He made the choice— though for Rey there was no other choice— knowing it would be difficult, but the reality of the situation is far worse.

Desolately, Rey sinks to her chair. Alone.


	3. Chapter 3

Rey spends hours looking through the large window of the Millennium Falcon, out at the wilds of some unknown planet Poe and Finn decided to stop, her mind too boggled to really listen fully to their conversation. Her eyes linger on the horizon, learning the intricate ways the air stirs the planet until the ground and sky are one, horizon blurred.

She rubs at an eye, weary in a way that has nothing to do with sleep. And she sees it... _a_ _figure_.

Tall. Rangey. Dark hair. Pale skin. Clad in black. A pale, ghostly aura. 

Rey's heart leaps in her chest. She watches a moment longer and a swirl of wind blurs the edges of the figure, morphing it, before revealing its true form: an outbreak of rock. It's just her eyes playing tricks on her and, while Rey’s heart aches, it strengthens her resolve. 

She’ll stay strong and keep Finn and her friends safe for as long as she has to. 

To prevent more tragedies along the way... 


	4. Chapter 4

Rey works her mind to exhaustion in the hope that she won't dream. But she sleeps fitfully; the dreams she doesn't allow herself to consider in consciousness finally able to plague her.

She wakes slowly to the feel of gentle fingers against her cheek. There's a roughness to the pads as they learn her skin, and Rey keeps her eyes closed, savouring the touch. It's a caress she knows: _Ben’s_

With a hope she hasn't felt in a while, Rey’s eyes slide open, and as they do the touch softens, is barely there, before fading completely.

There's only Rey here, no matter how real it felt. And though Rey would give almost anything to have another moment with Ben, the price could never be worth it.


	5. Chapter 5

Frustrated when her latest idea for the new plans to rebuild hits a dead end, Rey decides to take a stroll. Better to walk it off than stew, which is something she excels at. It doesn't work. With every step, her annoyance with herself grows. She knows there's a way to fix this. There must be. There  _has_ to be.

Petulantly, she lashes out with a gust of force, dust swirling around her. It's not the expected stench of sulphur that assaults her. There's the sweetness of the beeswax used on the string of a bow. A familiar scent of pine, along with charred wood. The scent of _him_. It almost chokes her as she uses the force to still the air, the dust falling back to the ground.

She tries to hold on to the scent, but as the last speck settles, the sulphur returns.

Though her mind tells her Ben isn't here, Rey can't stop the yearning of her heart. Even so, she turns, eyes checking all around her, but there's only the open expanse and not another person in sight.

Her frustration is gone, and in its place is a longing that Rey knows will never be satisfied.


	6. Chapter 6

There's cruelty to her self-imposed exile. A cruelty that Rey has become familiar within her lifetime. The joyous moment of realizing she hadn't lost Ben, of overcoming her grandfather, was twinned with the reality of walking away from her life in order to save the rest of the people in it.

Would it be easier, Rey wonders, to be faced with spending eternity here without learning that truth? To be unaware of what she could have had?

Her moods are tempestuous and, feeling self-indulgent and particularly downtrodden, Reywishes that she could just conjure herself a drink with little thought. And when she takes the first sip, eyes sliding closed, instantly she’s somewhere else.

Sunlight pours on her, warming her skin. As does the phantom press of lips against her’s. There's the taste of familiarity on her tongue, mixed with the smell of Ben. Clouding her senses. 

It's a strange taste to crave and the hit of it has her almost certain the taste is from Ben himself. She envisions reaching out a hand to pull Ben back for another kiss. But when her eyes open, the light is dulled by the reddish glow of a burning sky, and there's only Rey, cup in hand. Rey throws it to the floor in disgust and tries to extinguish the newest flame of hope.

Not too long ago, she stood on a ship ready to destroy the memories of the man she loves, and in these darkest moments of despair, a part of her wishes she had.


	7. Chapter 7

“ _Ben, I miss you_.”

Her eyes were squeezed tight, trying to meditate, trying to concentrate on anything but him but he was all she could focus on.

The thought that’s been on her mind for a week, the _one_ _phrase_ that summed up her emotions— 

Her grief stricken heart spoke.

And she could hear a voice speak back, a soft but deep voice— carrying as much sincerity as it could possibly manage. His voice, accent faint but _there_.

_Ben_. 

Her eyes slowly opens and she sees him. Sitting across from her, eyes looking at her with such yearning. 

Rey tried to speak, her voicebarely above a whisper,

“Ben?”

She sees the lump of his throat bob, his eyes lighting up at the sound of his name, a smile gracing his face, one she had only had the pleasure of seeing once before.

“ _I’m here, it’s me_.”

A silent tear steaks down her cheek, her left hand shakily reaching out to touch him. She hears his breath hitch as her hand nears his face, where his old scar used to be.

It was as if the world stopped as her hand touched his cheek, warm, soft— _there_.

He was there, _Ben was there_.

“You’re here.” Her voice quivers.

He lets out a noise, a mixture of a laugh and a sigh, “ _I’m here_.”

She hugs him, her arms around his neck, all of her emotions washing onto her.

“You’re here!” Her voice breaking as she let the tears fall.

“ _I was always here, sweetheart_.”

Ben buries his head into her shoulder, taking in the scent of her. 

Rey breaks the hug, her eyes scanning him, her face mirroring the disbelief he was feeling.

His dark eyes subtly dipped to her lips, his body reacting before his mind as he claims them. They were softer than he remembered, sweet; like the wild berries of Deku. Rey closes her eyes, relishing in the feeling of having him so close to her again, of _feeling_ him again. 

“How?” She was breathless, face flustered.

A goofy smile along with a bashful laugh escapes him. 

“ _I don’t know, it seems when I gave you my life force I somehow became even more bound to you_ ,” 

Ben then looks down and pats his body. 

“ _I tried getting your attention before, but I couldn’t ever manage to project myself fully, I always seem to break concentration_.”

Rey then settles back across from him.

“I thought I was going insane.”

Ben then shakes his head with a small smile. He was so different now, a complete opposite of the cold and calculating “Kylo Ren”.

“ _Never, darling. Now concentrate_.”

Rey nods then exhales as she closes her eyes. Her breathing becoming more rhythmic. As she opens her eyes Ben was gone.

Her heart starts to beat fast again as she gets up from her sitting position, looking frantically around the room.

“ _It’s okay, I’m still here, just lost my concentration_.” His voice unwavering as he made the effort to reassure her, “ _I’m here_.”

She exhales as a smile graces her face. 

“So you can come back anytime you want, right?”

“ _Yes, it’ll take a lot of concentration but I’ll always be for you whenever you need me_.”

Her smile grows as she plays with a piece of fabric from her tunic.

“I know.”

Then, there’s a knock at her door. Poe perks his head through the door frame as it slides open.

“Hey, um who are you talking to?”

Rey smiles and shakes her head. 

“Just talking to myself.”

Poe then nods, sticking his bottom lip out a bit.

“Hungry? We bought some zorphflagg.” 

“I could eat.”

“Cool. Let’s go, Finn said it gets cold fast.”

Poe then heads out the door, screaming to Finn about getting his fingers out of his portion of the food.

“ _What in the galaxy is “Zorphflagg_ ”? 

“A Mandalorian dish.” Rey answers as she packs her lightsaber to her side.

“ _Ah, so neanderthal food_?”

Rey laughs as she rolls her eyes,

“Oh shut up.” 


End file.
